I always thought I was the happiest girl in the world. I was sunshine and rainbows in any room I waltzed into. The minute the boys were born, that all changed.
It's not to blame them--they are the greatest gifts I have ever received. However, my body and mind were just...different. I felt sad all of the time. I felt like I was going to be abandoned by my family. I worried about every little thing. My brain just wouldn't shut off.
"You are the worst mom ever. Why would the universe ever give you twins? You can't even handle it."
"Your family is burdened by you. Stop bothering them."
"You're fat. You're worthless. You don't deserve the life you have."
These were actual thoughts that would persevere and take over throughout the day.
I never talked about it, because to talk about my depression would make me weak. I never asked for help, because that would look pathetic. Instead--I endured these thoughts for THREE YEARS.
I read countless blogs about postpartum depression, and chucked it up to me feeling this way from having twins instead of one. I told myself my hormones were just out of whack. I told myself my body would adjust.
After dating Christopher for about two years, we both started noticing my constant worry and the fact I would easily snap at the smallest of events. We had a lengthy discussion about it, and I finally turned to my OB/Gyn to discuss what had been going on.
My mother, grandmother, and sister have all been on Celexa. I asked the doctor if this was the right choice for me, and she agreed.
THE FIRST DAY I TOOK THE MEDICINE, I RETURNED BACK TO THE SUNSHINE. I RETURNED BACK TO THE RAINBOWS. What on earth? I thought these types of meds were supposed to make me numb and dull?
I tell you what, guys. Celexa has given me my life back. I enjoy the small moments I giggle with my children. I enjoy that I am worry-free. I enjoy that I am back to myself.
I wanted to share my story to break the stigma of taking medication for mental health. Listen to your heart and mind. If it feels off, it's off. Talk to your friends and loved ones about it. One in four people experience mental health issues. Let's be there for one another and encourage strength to ask for help.
Monday, May 8, 2017
Sunday, February 26, 2017
Baseball Moms
As you all may have seen, Arthur and I placed the boys into their first season of t-ball. I signed up to be Team Mom after our coach sent out an email pretty much begging for volunteers. I figured dance team was coming to an end for the year, and I love building a sense of camaraderie.
After the boys' first practice, I slowly realized this was going to be stressful.
No, it's not the scheduling.
No, it's not the constant communication of texts and emails I have to send.
No, it's not the time involved.
It's the other moms. Yes, the Anthem Hills/Green Valley moms.
When Christopher and I first moved to Seven Hills, I felt like I finally had "made it". We live in a beautiful area with some of the best schools in all of the valley. I am grateful every morning for the life we lead.
We both also teach in very low-socioeconomic areas. I'm fully aware of the type of environment my students are raised in. It has humbled me, and helped create even more empathy in me than I knew was possible.
Because of this. I was caught off-guard by the way a lot of mothers spoke when I met them at the first practice. I wish I could re-enact for you the way their shrill voices sounded.
For example, there's another mom on the team with twins. This was an actual conversation we had--
Me: When were your boys born?
Her: Well, twins are typically born prematurely, so their actual due date was in November, but they were born in September. So, we celebrate in September, obviously.
YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY? DID SHE ACTUALLY JUST SAY THIS TO ME?
Me: Are yours identical or fraternal?
Her: They have to do blood work for that, so I don't officially know. What I can tell you is that they had separate placentas, but it was a very thin divide, so who knows? What about you? Identical?
Me: Fraternal.
OKAY, I NEED TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS PERSON AND TRY ANOTHER MOM TO SPEAK WITH.
The next mom appeared sweet, and was sitting alone, so I figured I would sit by her and hopefully make a friend.
Her: Is that LulaRoe that you're wearing?
Me: Yes! (oh my heck, am I making a friend?!)
Her: Oh. It's such an internet trend now. It'll more than likely die out soon, don't you think?
OH, LORD. HELP ME. WHY ARE THESE MOMS SO MEAN?
My third and final attempt with a mom during that practice.
Her: Hi, you're the team mom, right?
Me: Yes, I'm Jessica! Nice to meet you.
Her: I saw that email coach sent about needing one. God bless you for doing it. I'm just SO BUSY with all of the kids at home. Good luck to you!
OH, YOU KNOW. I'M NOT BUSY AT ALL WITH RAISING TWINS, HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB, AND COACHING DANCE TEAM. HAPPY TO HELP! ::EYE ROLL::
Me: We could always use extra help in the dugout! You can enroll online to get your badge so we can have more adults helping the little ones!
Her: You know, I'm okay. Let me know if you need money for the banner or parade.
I listened to other conversations amongst the women that evening, and the following day at the next practice. It was mostly conversation about the schools their kids attend, the awards/activities their kids participate in, or the businesses their husbands work for. I felt like I was in a movie.
I may sound like a whiner, but I cannot handle these uppity-nose-in-air-moms who seem to only care about themselves and their own. I have complained about this to Christopher and I've come to realize that it's the true working class that gets things done. I may live in this zip code, and I'm assigned to this team because of where I live, but I will never forget the true meaning of humility, teamwork, and empathy. I never want another person to feel like I've one-upped them. I never want to have a conversation where it feels competitive. It's just senseless.
So...I'll stick to the dugout this season. Anyone on the team that wants to get their hands dirty with me will be appreciated. Welcome to the grey-collared life, friends. WISH ME LUCK, AND PLAAAAAYYYYY BALL!
P.S. I'm not nervous about any of them finding my blog, because I will never befriend these people on social media. And if they do find this blog, and don't find me funny, then they suck even more. :P
After the boys' first practice, I slowly realized this was going to be stressful.
No, it's not the scheduling.
No, it's not the constant communication of texts and emails I have to send.
No, it's not the time involved.
It's the other moms. Yes, the Anthem Hills/Green Valley moms.
When Christopher and I first moved to Seven Hills, I felt like I finally had "made it". We live in a beautiful area with some of the best schools in all of the valley. I am grateful every morning for the life we lead.
We both also teach in very low-socioeconomic areas. I'm fully aware of the type of environment my students are raised in. It has humbled me, and helped create even more empathy in me than I knew was possible.
Because of this. I was caught off-guard by the way a lot of mothers spoke when I met them at the first practice. I wish I could re-enact for you the way their shrill voices sounded.
For example, there's another mom on the team with twins. This was an actual conversation we had--
Me: When were your boys born?
Her: Well, twins are typically born prematurely, so their actual due date was in November, but they were born in September. So, we celebrate in September, obviously.
YOU GUYS. SERIOUSLY? DID SHE ACTUALLY JUST SAY THIS TO ME?
Me: Are yours identical or fraternal?
Her: They have to do blood work for that, so I don't officially know. What I can tell you is that they had separate placentas, but it was a very thin divide, so who knows? What about you? Identical?
Me: Fraternal.
OKAY, I NEED TO WALK AWAY FROM THIS PERSON AND TRY ANOTHER MOM TO SPEAK WITH.
The next mom appeared sweet, and was sitting alone, so I figured I would sit by her and hopefully make a friend.
Her: Is that LulaRoe that you're wearing?
Me: Yes! (oh my heck, am I making a friend?!)
Her: Oh. It's such an internet trend now. It'll more than likely die out soon, don't you think?
OH, LORD. HELP ME. WHY ARE THESE MOMS SO MEAN?
My third and final attempt with a mom during that practice.
Her: Hi, you're the team mom, right?
Me: Yes, I'm Jessica! Nice to meet you.
Her: I saw that email coach sent about needing one. God bless you for doing it. I'm just SO BUSY with all of the kids at home. Good luck to you!
OH, YOU KNOW. I'M NOT BUSY AT ALL WITH RAISING TWINS, HAVING A FULL-TIME JOB, AND COACHING DANCE TEAM. HAPPY TO HELP! ::EYE ROLL::
Me: We could always use extra help in the dugout! You can enroll online to get your badge so we can have more adults helping the little ones!
Her: You know, I'm okay. Let me know if you need money for the banner or parade.
I listened to other conversations amongst the women that evening, and the following day at the next practice. It was mostly conversation about the schools their kids attend, the awards/activities their kids participate in, or the businesses their husbands work for. I felt like I was in a movie.
I may sound like a whiner, but I cannot handle these uppity-nose-in-air-moms who seem to only care about themselves and their own. I have complained about this to Christopher and I've come to realize that it's the true working class that gets things done. I may live in this zip code, and I'm assigned to this team because of where I live, but I will never forget the true meaning of humility, teamwork, and empathy. I never want another person to feel like I've one-upped them. I never want to have a conversation where it feels competitive. It's just senseless.
So...I'll stick to the dugout this season. Anyone on the team that wants to get their hands dirty with me will be appreciated. Welcome to the grey-collared life, friends. WISH ME LUCK, AND PLAAAAAYYYYY BALL!
P.S. I'm not nervous about any of them finding my blog, because I will never befriend these people on social media. And if they do find this blog, and don't find me funny, then they suck even more. :P
Monday, February 13, 2017
Proposal
It happened! Christopher and I are engaged!!! I will be Mrs. Houchins on Friday, October 27, 2017. I have my dress, the venue, and a wedding planner all set and ready to go...I kind of jumped the gun...let me explain...
During winter break, I expressed to Chris that I wanted to be married in 2017. We picked the date together because it's Nevada Day, so we will have the day off from work. From there, I told my mom, and things got a little crazy! We visited the Bridal Spectacular, and I became overwhelmed with how much there is to do in such little time. I technically wasn't even engaged, but wanted a wedding within ten months.
Every single venue at the show was booked for the date I wanted.
We met a couple of ladies running a booth called 2 Vegas Chicks. They completely eased our minds, and told us they were wedding planners that could keep within a frugal budget. I booked a free consultation, met with them the next week, and we will definitely be using them for the wedding planning.
Later that week, I booked a tour to view Legends Ranch. I instantly fell in love with this place. Christopher loved it too. I also have wedding planners that are at my every beck and call, which is AWESOME SAUCE. All I have to do is tell them my ideas, and share the ideas on Pinterest on a secret board. Best money ever spent, folks!
So, yes...we did things a little backwards. I knew Christopher would be proposing, but I didn't know when or how. On Fridays, we usually eat pizza together as a family. Chris offered to pick up Blaze pizza, so I was super stoked. We got the boys settled with their slices, and turned off the television for family dinner. Chris suddenly said he needed to check the mail, and was smiling, so I figured he was excited about potential Pokémon cards in the mail. He walked inside with an envelope with no address on it. He handed it to me and said, "Hmm this doesn't have an address on it. You should open it."
Like an idiot, I argued that it was illegal to open mail that wasn't addressed to us. Finally, he just said, "Open it!" Inside I found pictures he had taken holding signs asking, "Will you marry me?"
I began UGLY CRYING so hard. It was just so simple and sweet and involved my boys as witnesses. He got down on one knee and proposed with the most perfect ring for me. The boys exclaimed, "You're married now!" Atticus also got to practice proposing with the ring and ring box.
I couldn't have asked for a better proposal, a better fiancé, or a better family. I am truly blessed. Thank you all for the lovely congrats messages! We love you all.
During winter break, I expressed to Chris that I wanted to be married in 2017. We picked the date together because it's Nevada Day, so we will have the day off from work. From there, I told my mom, and things got a little crazy! We visited the Bridal Spectacular, and I became overwhelmed with how much there is to do in such little time. I technically wasn't even engaged, but wanted a wedding within ten months.
Every single venue at the show was booked for the date I wanted.
We met a couple of ladies running a booth called 2 Vegas Chicks. They completely eased our minds, and told us they were wedding planners that could keep within a frugal budget. I booked a free consultation, met with them the next week, and we will definitely be using them for the wedding planning.
Later that week, I booked a tour to view Legends Ranch. I instantly fell in love with this place. Christopher loved it too. I also have wedding planners that are at my every beck and call, which is AWESOME SAUCE. All I have to do is tell them my ideas, and share the ideas on Pinterest on a secret board. Best money ever spent, folks!
So, yes...we did things a little backwards. I knew Christopher would be proposing, but I didn't know when or how. On Fridays, we usually eat pizza together as a family. Chris offered to pick up Blaze pizza, so I was super stoked. We got the boys settled with their slices, and turned off the television for family dinner. Chris suddenly said he needed to check the mail, and was smiling, so I figured he was excited about potential Pokémon cards in the mail. He walked inside with an envelope with no address on it. He handed it to me and said, "Hmm this doesn't have an address on it. You should open it."
Like an idiot, I argued that it was illegal to open mail that wasn't addressed to us. Finally, he just said, "Open it!" Inside I found pictures he had taken holding signs asking, "Will you marry me?"
I began UGLY CRYING so hard. It was just so simple and sweet and involved my boys as witnesses. He got down on one knee and proposed with the most perfect ring for me. The boys exclaimed, "You're married now!" Atticus also got to practice proposing with the ring and ring box.
I couldn't have asked for a better proposal, a better fiancé, or a better family. I am truly blessed. Thank you all for the lovely congrats messages! We love you all.
Thursday, February 2, 2017
I Have What?
It is nearly two in the morning, and I'm wide awake due to a bad cough mixed with my brain going a mile a minute. Let me explain what has been going on for the past few weeks. I have been having stomach issues and weird flare-ups where it felt like my stomach was being stabbed from the inside. I finally convinced myself to see a doctor, and even then I felt stupid for going. I convinced myself I was crazy and I was wasting the doctor's time. She asked many questions and took some blood work for me to scan it for allergies and other tests.
A week goes by, and she uploads to the portal online that everything came back fine on my initial lab work results, and to stay tuned for allergy panel. At this point I'm thinking I'm such an idiot, and everything was in my head. I cancelled the referral appointment to the gastroentologist. Then yesterday I get three message alerts on the portal. To make a long story much shorter, I was diagnosed with celiacs disease, my immunoglobulins are low (meaning I have been making my immune system weaker from eating my allergy), and I can no longer eat gluten.
I stared in horror at that word: gluten.
Suddenly, images of all of the food I love popped into my head.
Pizza
Chick-fil-a
Delicious bread
Flour tortillas
Pasta
Cereal
Pasta
Cereal
Pie
Cake
Cookies
Breadsticks from Olive Garden
Crackers! Graham crackers! Teddy grahams!
And many many more.
Then an even worse thought came to my head--I've been making myself sick my entire life. I always thought my digestion issues were normal. I never thought there was anything wrong with going to the bathroom after every meal. Why did I wait so long to get checked? Why didn't someone diagnose me sooner?!
I'm still in the stage of shock about all of this. I have started researching A LOT about what should be changing in my diet. I know I need to permanently change, because the risks of my health are too high.
I look forward to sharing my life with Christopher. He immediately said, "Alright, let's do this. We are eating gluten-free." I. JUST. LOVE. HIM.
I encourage you all to share stories if you are going through something similar. Share recipes with me, or even offer advice as I begin to navigate this new lifestyle.
Love you all!
