Monday, May 8, 2017

1 in 4

I always thought I was the happiest girl in the world. I was sunshine and rainbows in any room I waltzed into. The minute the boys were born, that all changed.

It's not to blame them--they are the greatest gifts I have ever received. However, my body and mind were just...different. I felt sad all of the time. I felt like I was going to be abandoned by my family. I worried about every little thing. My brain just wouldn't shut off.

"You are the worst mom ever. Why would the universe ever give you twins? You can't even handle it."

"Your family is burdened by you. Stop bothering them."

"You're fat. You're worthless. You don't deserve the life you have."

These were actual thoughts that would persevere and take over throughout the day.

I never talked about it, because to talk about my depression would make me weak. I never asked for help, because that would look pathetic. Instead--I endured these thoughts for THREE YEARS.

I read countless blogs about postpartum depression, and chucked it up to me feeling this way from having twins instead of one. I told myself my hormones were just out of whack. I told myself my body would adjust.

After dating Christopher for about two years, we both started noticing my constant worry and the fact I would easily snap at the smallest of events. We had a lengthy discussion about it, and I finally turned to my OB/Gyn to discuss what had been going on.

My mother, grandmother, and sister have all been on Celexa. I asked the doctor if this was the right choice for me, and she agreed.

THE FIRST DAY I TOOK THE MEDICINE, I RETURNED BACK TO THE SUNSHINE. I RETURNED BACK TO THE RAINBOWS. What on earth? I thought these types of meds were supposed to make me numb and dull?

I tell you what, guys. Celexa has given me my life back. I enjoy the small moments I giggle with my children. I enjoy that I am worry-free. I enjoy that I am back to myself.

I wanted to share my story to break the stigma of taking medication for mental health. Listen to your heart and mind. If it feels off, it's off. Talk to your friends and loved ones about it. One in four people experience mental health issues. Let's be there for one another and encourage strength to ask for help.